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DRESS UP
by: Leslee

"So, who's going to do it?" Duo looked around the room, glancing at each boy. He raises his eyebrows at Trowa, who just looks at him incredulously. Heero just snorts and continues cleaning the knife in his hand. Quatre turns red and says, "Not me, no way! I'm not dressing up like a girl!"
It is Quatre that Duo picks on, deciding that the other two boys are just not feminine enough--Hiro tends to beat up everyone in sight, and Trowa has that god awful hair that just hangs there, obscuring his face; well, it may be a good haircut for a guy, but a girl would rather shave her head bald than deal with hair like that. And Wufei--he's late! It would be a miracle if he even bothered showing up for this meeting. "C'mon, Quatre, look. I know it's hard to believe that Oz would decide to keep their top secret attack plans in the middle of a strict all girls school, but we all got the same info on this mission, and I highly doubt that all our contacts would be wrong. One of us have to pretend to be a girl and sneak in to steal the plans so we can find out where their holding the meeting!"
"But, but, why me?"
"Because you're the smallest, and you have the highest voice."
Quatre is affronted, so he gets all huffy and says, "What are you trying to say, that I'm effeminate?"
"Ah, I wouldn't say that. . . "
"Bite me! I'm not the one with the waist length hair, okay?"
Quatre crosses his arms and sticks out his chin; it's obvious he's going to be stubborn about this, so Duo decides to take another approach.
"Okay, fine, let's be fair about this. How about we draw straws? The one who picks the shortest straw has to be the girl." Duo grins at the other three boys, who all nod their head and murmur their agreement.
Duo has a trick up his sleeve; there isn't a way in hell that he's going to dress up like a girl, so he decides to rig the draw. He knows well enough how to--three years as a con artist and he's a pro at sleight of hand. He grins slyly as he holds out his fist, with four straws sticking out.
Trowa sees that grin and he knows what Duo's up to; well, he isn't about to let Duo get away with it. He's traveling with a circus, so he's picked up a few tricks himself! He motions to Quatre, who holds his breath and picks the first straw. He lets out his breath in relief when he sees it's a long one.
Heero goes next; he doesn't really care, if he has to dress up like a girl, he will; anything for the sake of his mission. He's certainly done worse things. But if he can avoid it, he definitely wants to. Luckily, he gets a long straw too.
Two straws left--who's it going to be? Both Duo and Trowa are sure it won't be them, but it has to be one--Trowa squints his eyes, and in his mind, he remembers what the carnies told him. He reaches out and plucks a straw from Duo's fist, and he smiles to see it's a long one.
Duo's face registers his shock when he opens his palm to reveal the shortest straw. How could this have happened? It was his cockiness that did him in; he should have made sure that Quatre picked the short straw, but he wanted to see how ugly Trowa would look in a dress. He should have known Trowa would be on to him. Now he's done it--Duo looks at the dress that Trowa borrowed from his friend at the circus with distaste; it is pink, with full puff sleeves and ruffles along the bottom. Pink, for crying out loud! He would never live this down.
Oh well, Duo thinks, and he moves to pick up the dress. He goes to change in the other room, knowing the boys would taunt him for being "girlish" and having to have privacy to change, but they'd taunt him anyway while he put on the dress, and he'd rather see himself in the mirror before the others saw him. He puts the dress on, and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks exactly like what he is--a boy in a dress. Duo sighs and decides to face the music. He opens the door, walking slowly out to the three other boys in the center of the room.
Heero looks at Duo, smirks, and continues on sharpening his knife. Trowa looks at him and shakes his head. Quatre's reaction is much more violent: "No, no, no! You look like a boy in a dress! You'll never get in looking like that! Here, let me fix your hair." Quatre reaches for Duo's fat braid; Duo pulls away instinctively, but he catches Trowa giving him a look and he allows Quatre to undo his hair, though Duo frowns the whole time.
Quatre holds up a lock of hair, admiring it: "Well, you certainly have nice, long, girlie hair, but I wish we had a brush and some ribbons or something. It's a mess!"
Duo is affronted. "Hey, it's not easy having hair like this, you know. I'll have you know that I brush my hair twice a day!"
Trowa stands, saying," I have some more stuff I borrowed from my friend that I think we can use." From his backpack, he pulls out a bag, unzipping it and emptying its contents into the table beside Quatre and Duo. Duo's eyes open in amazement at the assortment of cosmetics, ribbons, bows, bobby pins, curling irons, brushes. . . you name it, it was there. There was even an ostrich feather! After he gets over his initial surprise, it registers in Duo's mind that they were actually planning to use this stuff. . . on him!
"What the hell was that, Mary Poppins's carpet bag?" Duo snarls hostilely at Trowa, who seemed to be enjoying this a little too much. "I'm telling you now, I'm not wearing any makeup."
Quatre looks at him with a little frown on his face. "Sorry, Duo, you're going to have to use makeup. At least you don't have any facial hair." Quatre runs his hand along Duo's jaw line, until Duo slaps his hand away. "Yep, smooth as a baby's bottom."
"NO WAY! I AM NOT WEARING MAKEUP!"
Trowa motions to Heero, and together they pounce on Duo, holding him captive as Quatre applies cosmetics to his face and fixes his hair. Duo struggles, but to no avail. There was no way he could buck off both Trowa and Heero.
Finally, Quatre finishes. He pauses for a moment to admire his handiwork, then nods his head with approval. Duo is given a mirror to look at himself. What he sees in the glass causes his eyebrows to raise. This reflection wasn't his. . . it belonged to a girl! A very pretty girl! His hair was pulled up on either side with the help of pink satin ribbons; Quatre had curled his hair as well, causing the soft mass to form shiny waves along his shoulder and down his back. His eyelashes were curled, and eye liner rimmed his eyes, making them large and innocent in his face. His mouth was a cupid bow painted red, full, lush. . . damn, if he were a woman, he'd date himself. This scared him to death.
Heero and Trowa stared at him amazement. Heero let out a low wolf whistle. "Wow, Duo, you're hot. Wanna go out sometime?"
"Shut your mouth, dick head, or I'll shut it for you."
Trowa looks to Quatre. "Hey, Quatre, where'd you learn to do all that stuff, anyway?" "I have twenty nine sisters, remember? Do you think that they never forced me to play dress up? Why did you think I applied to go on this mission? If I had to wear another frilly white dress I would've stabbed myself in the heart with a bobby pin."
Duo can't even speak. He's mesmerized by his reflection. Quatre startles him out of his reverie: "Hey, Duo, just because you look like a gorgeous girl, it doesn't mean you can pass for one. You still talk and act like a man. For the next few hours, you have to practice being a girl. Every time you slip out of character, you owe the three of us five bucks each. Got it?"
Duo resents their amusement at his present situation, but he agrees anyway, knowing that he would have to practice, and this was an important mission. He looks down and notices he's sitting with his legs spread wide apart. He pulls them together and crosses his legs. The other boys howl with laughter. Duo jumps out of his chair, ready to attack, when Wufei walks in. . .
Wufei stops dead in his tracks, stunned. He expected a meeting with just the five boys, but Duo, who called the meeting in the first place, was nowhere to be found, and there was this incredibly lovely girl standing defiantly facing the three other boys. He usually clamped down on his urges, but this time, he was captivated by the lovely girl. He approaches her carefully, as if she was a wild doe, easily startled and in need of taming.
Duo sees Wufei and was about to read him the riot act and punch him in the face but Wufei looks as if he's in some sort of trance. Wufei just kept staring at him, and it was making Duo nervous.
"What, do I have a smudge on my face or something?" His voice starts out low, but he sees Quatre grinning and holding up five fingers so he quickly raises it.
Wufei has never heard such a sweet melodic voice. He realizes he's never been this attracted to a woman in his whole life! Still, he was too shy to ask the Goddess her name, so he moves to sit beside Trowa, leaning over to ask him some questions. Even while he's talking to Trowa, his eyes are fixated on the lovely lady who was now busy bickering with Quatre.
"Trowa, who is that girl?"
Trowa looks at Wufei, puzzled. He points to Duo and says, "Who, *that*?"
"Yes. She's . . . she's absolutely gorgeous." Wufei blushes and looks down, not used to revealing his feelings so openly.
Trowa begins to catch on, realizing that Wufei thinks Duo is a real girl. Hmmm. . . the humorous possibilities of this are endless. . .
"Oh, she's ah. . . she's ah. . . she's . . . this girl we rescued the other night from being raped by an Oz soldier. Her name is . . . Lady Quanze, and she's uh. . . very *expressive* in her gratitude. Want to meet her?"
Wufei looks at Trowa, red-faced, and nods, unable to speak. Trowa looks over at Duo's direction and shouts, "Hey, Lady! Someone wants to meet you! Hey! I'm talking to you!"
At first, Duo doesn't realize who they're talking about, and when he does, he turns bright red with embarrassment. He walks towards Trowa and Wufei, fists clenched, ready to do battle. His voice comes out low and husky when he says, "Yeah, what do you want, shit face?" Duo's lips press tightly together, his eyes shooting sparks at Trowa.
Wufei admires Lady Quanze's sexy, throaty voice. What a doll! He gathers up his courage and introduces himself. "My lady, I am Wufei. I am disappointed that it was not I that was able to rescue you the other day. It would have been a cherished honor to be able to rescue a fair damsel like you." Wufei takes Lady Quanze's (Duo's) hand and kisses it, gently, savoring the softness of her (his) skin. Duo snatches his hand away, disgusted, and wipes it on his skirt. He looks at Trowa and says, "what the hell is he talking about? Has he gone insane?"
Trowa grins cheekily. "Not at all *Lady Quanze*. . . he has only gone insane by his passion for you." Duo pulls back an arm, ready to let a punch fly, but Heero had come sneaking behind him, grabbing his arm. "Lady Quanze," says Heero, "you have treated us all to your. . . specialty. . . and I realize that Wufei was not with us when we rescued you, but he is a hero as well. Don't you think you should give him a hero's welcome?"
Quatre leans back in his chair, laughing. "Yeah, Lady, give him a big kiss!" When he sees Duo's eyes slant with anger, he raises his hand again, holding up five fingers. He mouths the words so only Duo can see: "Remember the deal."
Duo was ready to let loose with a barrage of profanities, but he realizes that he would just have to play along with their little game. Well, fine with him. However, he wasn't going to be the butt of their jokes. If anyone is going to be made a fool of, it isn't going to be him. The only other likely scapegoat would be Wufei. . .
He turns to Wufei, his hand on his hip, eyes peering seductively at the young Chinese boy. His voice husky, he says, "Well, I guess it would only be right. . . and he is so handsome, after all . . . " He runs his hand along Wufei's chin, down his chest, to his abdomen, stopping at the waistband of his pants. Wufei shudders with delight. The other boys are busy having fits of laughter.
"C'mon, big boy, I think you and I should be alone. . . " Duo pulls Wufei into the other room by the drawstrings of Wufei's pants. Wufei, clueless, eagerly follows.
When they get to the room, Duo motions for Wufei to sit on the bed, and he pushes the door closed, making sure to leave it open *just* a crack. . . he knows the other boys will want to peek.
He swishes his skirts saucily and moves to sit on the bed with Wufei. Wufei moves over to make room, leaving a large space between him and Duo (Lady Quanze). He feels skittish and shy. Duo lowers his lashes and looks at Wufei becomingly, all the while thinking, Damn! I'm good at this! I should become an actor, or at least a female impersonator! He pats the space beside him and says, "why are you sitting so far away, Wufei? Don't you want to get closer to me?" Wufei nods, timidly, and moves closer to Lady Quanze (Duo). His heart was pounding so hard in his chest it felt like it was going to burst out!
Duo looks at Wufei, who looks like he's about to wet his pants. This was just too hilarious! Duo wonders if Wufei is a virgin . . . he certainly looks like one. He decides to extract some information: "Wufei, have you ever made love before?" He puts his hand on Wufei's thigh.
Wufei jumps in shock, turns bright red, and says, "Well. . . technically. . . no." He is amazed that this gorgeous woman was actually touching him! Praise the gods! May this moment never end!
Duo snickers under his breath, and takes a peek at the door. He notices some movement outside, some soft shuffling, and a lot of muffled laughter. He grins, then, turning to Wufei, arranges his painted mouth into a seductive smile.
"You don't have to be shy with me, Wufei, I'd love to be your first. Why don't we take off that shirt. . . " Duo undoes the first three buttons of Wufei's shirt, hearing gasps of surprise coming from the door. He knows the boys didn't expect him to carry this little trick so far, but Duo's a born prankster, and he just can't help himself when the opportunity arises for a top quality joke.
He helps Wufei take off the shirt, then motions for him to remove his pants. Wufei does so quickly and eagerly, then stands naked before what he thinks is "Lady Quanze". Oh, yeah, Wufei thinks, girls usually don't like me because they think I'm a prig, but I think this time I'm really going to score! Heat radiates from his loins, setting his whole body on fire. . . he wishes that Lady Quanze would remove her dress as well. . .
As Duo stares at Wufei's "proud" member, his face turns red with the effort not to laugh. Outside, he hears Quatre whisper "I didn't know they came that small!" Duo looks sharply at Wufei to see if he heard, but Wufei seemed lost in the moment, revealing his naked body proudly.
All of a sudden, Wufei wasn't so shy anymore. He jumps onto the bed, onto Duo, grabbing Duo's thigh, pressing his lips against Duo's, hard, pressing his dick against Duo's leg. Duo struggles with Wufei, who is a bit bulkier than he is, and finally manages to push him off. He resists the urge to wipe off his mouth and gag, smiling sweetly instead. "Why don't we take our time? The other boys won't bother us, they've all had their turns already. We can just. . . take it slow." Duo is disgusted by what just happened, and decides that this joke has gone far enough. He wasn't letting stupid Wufei grope him, no matter how funny it may be.
But it was too late . . . Wufei's hand lashes out, and before Duo can stop him, Wufei pulls up his skirt and reaches underneath. . .
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Wufei's scream echoed in the small room, carrying outside, knocking the other boys over in surprise, going further, out the windows, probably being heard for miles around. Duo runs out of the room with all of Wufei's clothes, laughing, but absolutely disgusted. He couldn't believe that Wufei actually grabbed his privates! When he got home, he was going to take a long hot bath. . . sterilization was badly needed.
The other boys stared agog at Duo, holding Wufei's clothing. They look towards the door of the little room. Nary a sound could be heard; all was silent. . . what was going on in there? What was Wufei doing?
Suddenly, they heard retching, and they realized that Wufei was probably throwing up. Duo looked affronted: "Geez, it was gross, but it wasn't that gross! I mean, he's the one who made a grab for my crotch, and you don't see me heaving into the toilet. I don't have bad breath or anything." The other boys fall to the ground with laughter.
Wufei finally comes out of the room, naked as a jay bird, face contorted with anger, glaring murderously at the supposed "Lady Quanze". No lady he's ever known has had a penis. . . wait a minute! That long hair, that irritating laugh. . .
"DUO. . . GIVE ME MY CLOTHES!" Duo laughs, hikes up his skirt, and runs to the nearest window, pitching Wufei's clothes out of the opened crevice, right into a pond underneath.
Wufei screams again and runs outside to fetch them. The other boys proceed to lock the door, leaving poor Wufei outside, in the cold, nude as the day he was born. They laugh insanely as they listen to Wufei pounding on the door, making death threats, pleading.
"It'll get cold soon," Trowa said. "How long are we going to keep him out there?"
Heero looked at his watch: "Ah, we've got a few hours yet before the sun goes down."
Duo, pulling the ribbons out of his hair, pauses, looking at Heero. "A few hours?! Isn't that kind of mean? I mean, we've had our fun already. The guy's naked! Major shrinkage is going to occur."
Quatre wrinkles his nose. "Wow! Can it get any smaller than that? Call the Guinness book of world records!"
Duo laughs, then says, "Well, we could let him sit out there for a few minutes. The guy's way too high on himself for his own good. This'll bring him down a notch."
All the boys laugh and settle down for a nice game of poker, occasionally giggling at the words of Wufei, the rampaging maniac, trapped outside.
The End